All That Glitters

It had never occured to Benji that a relationship that seemed so perfect, could be so sour. Just as it had never occured to Benji that someone he hated could hate himself more.

For a long time, he had been blind. He only saw what he wanted, he supposed. A young boy, stepping in to fill his shoes, taking his place. A man who looked fondly at him in a way he'd never done to him. They seemed so perfect, so unfairly perfect for one another. It made his blood boil. Why did he get to be happy with the guy he'd had first?

But lately, the blindfold across his face was slipping, falling down at his feet, and the glaring reality hurt his eyes.

As much as it thrilled him to hear Happi crying, to see him breaking into hideous sobs that were too loud for such a tiny body sent a completely different feeling through him.

The first night he found him in the open lot near the trailers, knees sunk deep into the dirt, shaking from the hard crying, he'd rolled his eyes. A fight, big deal, every couple had them.

He'd sneered, and made fun, laughed at him even, and left him there to cry by himself.

The next time he found him, he was outside his own trailer, clothes a mess, hair dishevelled, rubbing his wrists and thighs, marked up as if awaiting some sort of plastic surgery.

He'd made fun again, picked fun at his inability to handle a man's demands in bed. Again, he left him to cry by himself.

On the third ocassion, he was on the way to his room when he heard them talking. Well, somewhat. Drake was slurring, drunk again, and Happi was muttering something. There was a brief thud, something falling, someone being pushed into a wall, and muffled words as they shared a kiss. He heard clothing tearing, another few things slurred, and another couple muttered and grunted out. He left as the panting and moaning started up.

The next morning Happi was skipping with a spring in his step. He glared him down as he watched the blonde run by and throw his arms around the taller man. He'd looked up with bright eyes and leaned up on tip toes for a kiss.

That was when it all began to piece itself together.

Drake was stiff with the blonde. He hurried the kiss, and looked around to make sure no one had noticed. He wriggled out of Happi's grip. When he asked if he wanted to see the new trick he'd learnt, he said later, told him he was busy, and to go Happi looked down, but agreed he started to walk away before Happi got a chance to say 'I love you!' and when he heard it he only nodded.

Happi's expression reversed so quickly, it even stung Benji. His smile dropped, his eyes watered and his brows furrowed. His thin shoulders slumped, and he let his hands fall to his sides. He looked so defeated.

Later that day, when Drake had gotten his hands on a few drinks, he watched the older man corner Happi and bring him into a kiss, ignoring how upset he looked. His hans wandered and touched where they pleased, but Happi didn't fight him on it. He looked so relieved, and desperate, to see Drake looking at him as he was, even though he was obviously intoxicated.

The way he looked while Drake led him back to his trailer, Benji felt his stomach twist. He seemed so drained, low and pitiful, and he was accepting it.

When Benji found Happi underneath the tree in the lot that night, crying in tattered clothes, he had no further tormenting to give.

"G-Go away!" he snapped, slumping lower. "I d-don't want your teasing tonight, okay? I don't c-care what you have to say to me, Benji."

He wavered for a moment, before he stepped over the crunching gravel and carefully sat beside him. "I'm not here to tease you."

"What do you want then?!"

"I don't know.. I just.. guess I didn't want you to cry by yourself."

"Why do you care? This ought to be music to your ears."

"Yeah, I know." He mumbled. "It.. used to be. Trust me. I just.." He shrugged. "I thought you were happy with him. I didn't want you to be. But.. I don't want you to be miserable with him either. I'd rather you be miserable alone."

Happi glanced at him with red puffy eyes still watering, face still wet. "I thought I was too." He croaked, looking back down at the dirt. "and I was.. at first."

Benji picked at the grass by his shoes and flicked the blades away. "You wanna talk about it or something?" he asked awkwardly as he pulled up another few strands of green.

"I.. don't know."

"Come on. I'm trying to be nice for once."

Happi laughed bitterly and moved closer, drawing his knees to his chest. "It's just.. not what it used to be. He's not the kind of guy I thought he was. Or maybe it's just me. I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "I thought he cared about me. Maybe I was special and mattered. and maybe he loved me. But I guess you and the others were right. I'm not anything special. The only thing i'm good for is sex. I just wanted to be perfect.. but I can't be. H-He won't touch me, he won't even lay with me unless the lights are off. The only time he wants me is when he's been drinking. He'll say he loves me when we're alone, when his breath stinks of booze, and the words are slurred." He shut his eyes to force back fresh tears and shook his head. "I've refused to believe it, til lately. I guess i'm too proud to admit it, that everything everyone's ever said about me was true. But I can't keep denying it. It's right there in my face. I'm such an idiot."

Benji grimaced and tore up a leaf in his hands, letting its pieces fall onto his shoe. "I uh.. i'm sorry."

"I can't leave him." He cried. "I gave him e-everything. I don't have anything left. He's the only one who'll have me, like I am now. If I leave i'll have nothing."

Benji swallowed hard. It was uncanny how similar Happi was to himself. He'd never realized it before. He knew how he was feeling. He'd given up everything he had to offer to a lover, to the same one Happi had sacrificed to.

He slowly put his arm around his thin shoulders, and let him turn and bury his face into his shirt, soaking it with tears. His hair tickled his neck, but he didn't push him off to scratch or adjust the collar of his shirt. "You're still you.. you don't have to be with him. Or maybe just say no.."

"I c-can't.." He hiccuped, words muffled in his shirt. He grabbed at him pathetically, gripping his shirt with nimble fingers. "If I leave he'll tell everyone i'm easy.. a-and if I say no, he'll leave me for someone else, and they'll think i'm a p-prude. I'm stuck. I don't h-have anyone."

"That ain't true. You have friends.."

Happi laughed. "Friends? Who? What're their names? C-Cause I sure don't know."

Benji felt awful. Because he couldn't name a single person around that ever talked about being friends with Happi. He'd never seen anyone talk to him at all, now that he thought of it. At least, not talk nicely. It was mostly, if not entirely, his fault too. Had he singlehandedly managed to make the one place anyone ought to be accepted, a place someone was still outcasted? He'd never meant for it to be that bad. He didn't think so anyway. He just wanted him to be picked on a little.

He squeezed his shoulder and patted his back, resting his cheek on the top of his head. He was older than Happi. He should've been helping, and setting an example, a good example. Being a role model.

Instead, he'd been petty over someone that he'd liked, bitter over a relationship that never existed past the bedroom.

"I'm sorry, Happi. Honest, I never meant for all of that stuff. I just was mad and stuff and, jealous. I promise though, you won't be alone and with nothing if you leave him."

"Well.. it might not be much, but.. you've got me."

Happi raised his head, with watery, bright eyes, and gaped at him, brows knitted together. "Y-You? But you hate me!"

"No I.. actually I don't think I do."

"What're you t-talking about?"

Benji shrugged, trying to come up with a sentence but it never reached his lips, instead, Happi's did.

In all honesty, he didn't realize he leaned in until he was kissing the blonde, and guiding him down against the grass.

His mouth was warm, smooth, he could smell his gloss, and taste it on his tongue. It was unlike anything else. None of the other boys he'd ever kissed were like this.

Happi didn't seem to be fighting, whether that was because he was emotionally and physically exhausted, or something else, he didn't care enough to stop and find out.

He drew his fingers through his hair and cupped his cheek, thumb sweeping over his wet cheek. His eyes had closed seconds after he'd kissed him, but Benji couldn't get himself to do the same.

He kept his green eyes open, looking down at Happi's expression, memorizing the way certain lines relaxed, and creased, how his lashes fluttered as he tried to keep his eyes closed, and the way his lips quivered slightly against his.

As they parted, and Happi sat up, he opened his eyes and raised his fingers to his mouth.

For a moment, or maybe more, they just stared at one another, but then Benji broke the silence. "Oh my God.."

"What?"

"I think I love you."